Emotions

Sometimes I get emotional..

Most of the times I try and keep it to myself or the Duck, but after the past few weeks I have had...I decided to share it with you all...mainly just because you all lift me up so much and seem to say the right things when I need it most! 

The duck has been gone for 5 weeks now on tour and he still won't be home till the end of the month.

I am a full time working from home stay at home Mom.....

This means I work a normal 12-14 hour day and am a mommy 24 hours a day with a sitter who helps 2 days a week....and a hubby who will be gone for the majority of the rest of the year. 

Recently lots of crazy huge opportunities have been coming my way and quite quickly landing on my lap. I am so excited and eager to make the next big jump in my career and future. However I am carrying around this giant Lump in my throat thinking about my baby.

You see... 

When I first had G the plan was for me to be a stay at home Momma. For 8 months I was at home with my monkey day in and day out just the two of us bonding and being Mommy daughter. The duck was gone for a lot of these first months so I really had a lot of alone time with my thoughts. I was co-sleeping and breast feeding and basically a solo mama and needless to say I got a bit  overwhelmed. 

As much as I loved G, I didn't love the way I felt staying at home. I felt useless and like I was withering away with nothing more to talk about then poop, breast milk, and sleeping..  I needed to do something creative but I felt guilty for leaving my baby.

Because the duck was gone I didn't have a lot of support or many friends to talk to about how isolated I felt so I just decided that I was gonna get my ass back to work and never let G out of my sight for longer than a few hours.

 I could make it work....I can do it all, right???

I would go to work and literally every two hours would get whoever was watching G to come to meet me at work so I could breast feed her. She wouldn't take a bottle ,so I was on a 2 hour time limit anywhere I went.

I grew to just accept that in order for me to have a career I would have to do both Mommy and work at the same time and do both 100%....

and here is where the emotional part comes in.

I have done my best to try and keep G at home with me, but work is overwhelming and G is getting frustrated with my obvious pre-occupation. 

I am realizing that I cannot do it all AND have a happy baby if she is getting ignored. My first priority is to G as her Mommy and I only want whats best for her. 

I say this because it may be time to put her in preschool and I am crying just typing this. 

I have been scouring the Internet trying to find reasons why I should and reasons why I should not, but the general consensus seems to be, you should do what is best for your child.....

What is wrong with me?

I took G to an open house at one of the perspective schools we are looking at and she LOVED it...she talked about it for a week and kept asking if she was "going to go to skoo". You would think I would be happy to put her somewhere I know she will love being...but I am scared shitless.

I am a control freak by nature and the thought of not knowing her every move KILLS ME! 

Who will hug her if she falls, who will understand that when she walks up to you on her tippy toes and says "woobeenook" that she wants to cuddle. Who will know that she is hungry or tired or just needs to chill??????

Seriously I am hysterically crying typing this..

Lovers, PLEASE give me your stories. Tell me it's gonna be OK or tell me I am a horrible Mother for even thinking about putting her in school before she is 3...or just tell me to take a bath and a xanax and get over it.

I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Sorry for the Monday bum out but I am just at a crossroads.

Look at how freaking cute she is!!!!

See how hard this must be!